youngadulting

In the midst of my early quarterlife crisis, I have been reading lots of guides for young adults. There is tons of information out there on everything from dating after college to attending work dinner parties. One of the trendiest topics is wedding etiquette because apparently people my age get married and there are rules for that shindig. And thank goodness for those guides because no one likes to look silly- or downright rude- in front of their bestie’s future father-in-law.

Guides do not abound, however, regarding another important, if less joyous, ritual- the funeral. In our invincible youth, we are not supposed to be thinking much about death. In reality, we will each face the passing of close older loved ones, such as grandparents, and unfortunately many of us will also lose someone close to us while they are young. Our friends will also lose close family and loved ones.

One of my friends offered to be there for me at my grandmother’s recent funeral, and this offer meant so much to me that it changed the way I think about young adults and death. I think lots of us would like to step up and be there for friends and family, but it can be hard to do that when we don’t even know the basics related to funerals.

Here are a couple of common questions and worries, demystified:

What kind of thing am I going to? People choose lots of ways to mourn/ celebrate the life of their lost loved one. If multiple of the below categories are happening, you may choose to attend one or more of them depending on your schedule and what you feel is appropriate.

• Viewing (wake)/ Visitation: Often there will be a viewing or visitation prior to the funeral, either the day before, or for a couple of hours before the service. This time is dedicated for guests to visit the bereaved and to pay their respects to the deceased. If it is a viewing, there will be an open casket and a body present. If it is a visitation, there will not be an open casket. The casket may be closed, the person’s ashes may be present if cremated, or there will not be remains present.

(Protip: If it is a wake, you are not required to view, or get anywhere close to the body. Just don’t make a big deal out of it and no one will notice. There will often be photo albums or boards dedicated to remembering the deceased- hang out by those instead.)

• Funeral: This is the actual service. It may be a religious ceremony, such as a Catholic mass, or it might be more informal, such as people eulogizing the deceased in a funeral home. The obituary will give you a clue as to what to expect and as to whether you are invited to be present. Private funerals require an invitation.

• Luncheon or other meal: Following a funeral service, there is often a meal. Once again, make sure you are invited (if you know about it, at least in the midwest, you probably are).

 

What do I wear? Unless instructed otherwise, funerals are still somber and formal occasions. Black is not strictly necessary, but showing up in neon would be inappropriate and disrespectful. Cover your shoulders, particularly if the service is in a church. Suits are acceptable, and usually nice slacks and button ups are, too. A business-casual dress with a sweater thrown over it is also appropriate.

Not appropriate: sweatshirts, shorts, tank tops, anything with spaghetti straps, and anything that shows your underwear regardless of your gender. I would steer clear of jeans, but my father wore a really nice pair of jeans with a button up shirt to my grandmother’s funeral. My grandmother always said “just wear jeans and a nice shirt,” so I can’t argue with him there.

If, for whatever reason, you are absolutely unable to dress the part (ex. because you don’t own slacks or you have to be to work in a uniform right after the visitation), dress as appropriately as you can and go, unless you suspect the family would be offended. My working class family would have much preferred to see someone in nice jeans and a polo or their work uniform than not see them at all.

 

How should I act? This is a pretty general question, and if you can function at school or in most work environments, you probably already know how to mind your basic everyday manners and follow the cues of those around you on the particulars- the mood, where to stand/sit, if you should be kneeling right now because Catholic mass is confusing, etc.

For the particulars, here are some no nonsense do’s and don’t’s:

DO: Sign the guest book and leave an ADDRESS. This is especially important if you leave a gift or card- the family would like to thank you, but they do not want to go back in time and obtain a phonebook in order to send the note.

DO: Speaking of gifts, if you choose to give anything to the family, read the obituary in order to give the appropriate memorial. Often, people note,“In lieu of flowers, memorials preferred.” If a cause is not specified, memorials (polite talk for money) should go to the family. If a cause is specified, the memorials should be donations to that cause. It is not necessary to give a gift, especially considering that you are probably young and strapped for cash. However, a card is always nice, and I can testify that generosity- of cooking meals, taking the time to babysit (the dog, in our case), and yes, dollar dollar bills- has been very appreciated by my family.

DON’T: Worry so much about what to say. Your acknowledgement of the grief and being there for the bereaved is what is most appreciated. You can keep your card and your words to the bereaved very simple. With that said,

DO: Consider the message of the sympathy card. For example, if you know the family does not believe in Jesus, a card citing John 3:16 is just going to be awkward.

DON’T: Monopolize the time of the bereaved, especially at the visitation or funeral. The closer they were to the person who passed, the more important this is. They have lots of people to talk to, as well as logistical details to make sure are on track. Your presence is appreciated, your 20 minute life update is not. Offer to visit- they probably do want to hear about your life, just not right now.

DO: TURN OFF YOUR F-ING PHONE. Check twice. As I was giving the eulogy for my grandmother, a cell phone rang until it went to voicemail. I will never forget this.

DO: Be generally respectful. Follow other people’s lead, especially the bereaved. In that Catholic mass example, yes, you should kneel when others kneel if you are able. I don’t care if you are an atheist, you don’t have to pray and you don’t have to take communion (in fact, you should not), but do your best to do what others are doing. If you can stand, being the only one sitting in a room full of standing people does not look good on you.

DO: Approach everything with good intentions, and you will be fine. You are there to comfort someone/ many someones that are important to you, and that is what matters most. Do what you can, show that you care, and no one will mind if you forget the card or don’t kneel until 30 seconds into the prayer.

 

*I have tried to make these tips as general and inclusive as possible. However, they absolutely reflect the funeral practices of Protestant and Catholic families in the midwest. If you have other tips and etiquette for attending funerals or questions that I did not answer, I would love to hear all about them in the comments.